Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Reading At The Gazebo in Oceanside -- July 30, 2007

Thanks Tony for arranging my reading last night at the Gazebo in Oceanside . It's a great place to be on a summer night.

I read lead-off, which is fine when your number 2 hitter is a published novelist, your number three hitter is a Pulitzer Prize nominee, and your clean-up hitter was a Poet Laureate of Suffolk County (for you non-New Yorkers, Fire Island and the Hamptons are in Suffolk County)

I read Talking Endocarditis Blues and Heart In My Hand, below.

I sang Cow Valve Blues, and accompanied myself on the harp. I've never played the harmonica before. No one was fooled.

I skipped "Hyperlink on the Footnote on Prayer", but I include it here.

*****

TALKING ENDOCARDITIS BLUES

WE LIVE AT THE BOTTOM OFTHE FOREST HILL
ON WEEKDAY MORNINGS
I WALK UP IT TILL
I GET TO THE BOULEVARD OF DEATH ON TOP

WHERE THERE’S A SUBWAY STOP

LATELY THE WALK FEELS MORE LIKE A CLIMB
I LEAVE THE CO-OP SOONER;
CAUSE I NEED MORE TIME
TO STOP EN ROUTE --
STRIKE UP CHATS WITH THE SENIORS
BETWEEN EACH WHEEZE
AND SOMETIMES GRABBING MY KNEES

I MUST BE GETTING FAT
IF I WATCHED MY DIET
IF I TOOK A PILL
IF I COULD LOSE THAT WEIGHT
I’D GET UP FOREST HILL

IN THE MEANTIME,
I TAKE THE EXPRESS BUS

DOOR TO DOOR SERVICE
JUST THE DRIVER AND ME

ITS MUCH MORE PRICEY
AND ITS SLOWER TOO

***


SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE THE WORLD IS SPINNING
ROTATING CLOCKWISE
AT THE BEGINNING
LIKE AN ELECTRON’S SWOOPING PATH AROUND

I MUST BE SOLID ON THE GROUND

SOME DAYS I CAN STAND HARD ON MY FEET
OR HOLD UP A CON ED POLE
IF I NEED TO TAKE A SEAT
I FIND A SEAT
ON THE FLOOR OF THE F TRAIN
IT’S NOT THE GIN
I’M JUST WAITING FOR THE SPIN

TO GO COUNTER CLOCKWISE

I FIND A SPOT ON WHICH
TO FIX MY GAZE
WHEN I CAN HOLD MY FOCUS
I CAN SLOW IT DOWN
NEXT TIME I’LL TAKE THE BUS

IN THE MEANTIME,
SLOW RIDE PHILOSOPHY

9 TO 5 ONLY
BUT IT COULD GET VERY LONELY

WHEN THE JONES ARE HOT
AND I AM NOT

THE BIGGER PAYCHECK
ALSO STRESSES ME OUT

***

IT’S MORE FUN WHEN YOU ARE A HYPOCHONDRIAC
WITH PHANTOM AILMENTS
THE ROOM IS MOVING
AT LEAST I’M NOT DRIVING ANYWHERE

I’M PLANTED IN MY OFFICE CHAIR

QUICK! MY BELLY’S AN OLD FRANKLIN STOVE
MY TORSO’S SWELLING
ORANGE ORANGE RED RED
RED RED RED RED
THE FLAMES JUMP BEHIND MY EYES
SPINNING CEASES
THE PAIN IN MY HEAD INCREASES

IT CAN NOT GO AWAY

I FIND A SPOT ON WHICH
TO FIX MY GAZE
THE ROOM’S STOPPED SPINNING
IT CAN NOT GO AWAY
I’M WET AS A SWIMMER
IT CAN NOT GO AWAY

IN THE MEANTIME,
LUCKY WHEN HAILING A CAB

WHERE ARE YOU GOING
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BRIDGE

IF I FALL ASLEEP ON YOU
PLEASE TAKE ME TO

DON’T KNOW WHAT I SAID*
BUT I WOKE UP IN MY BED

IT CAN NOT GO AWAY

(c)Bruce G. Grossberg. All rights reserved.


*Hyperlink to the Footnote on Prayer

It was at this point that I sat in the back of the cab and prayed.

There is a version of these Endocarditis Blues where I say the prayer out for you.

The prayer rhymed in the original, in the back of the cab. I think. I’d like to think.

And it would rhyme for you if I said it out loud here and now.

It rhymed like a Hallmark Card.
And the phrasing may give you insulin shock.

I would never have said the prayer had I not been exposed to the Jesus Prayer, which I will not repeat here either.

I am not a Christian, but I like just about everything in the Jesus Prayer.

I am not a Christian, so I do not know of the Jesus Prayer because of anything having to do with Christianity.

I know of the Jesus Prayer because it is one of the subjects of Franny and Zooey -- the J.D. Salinger book.

I used to do the end of Zooey as an audition piece, Act for God, Zooey tells Franny, what can be prettier?

Don’t you wish you related to your siblings like Franny and Zooey do?

Aren’t you glad that there are people in the world who understand you who are not your siblings?

And Psalm 115 as well.
And Psalm 115.
The prayer in the back of the cab would have been impossible without Psalm 115.
I didn’t realize that until the next Seder, some months later. After my hospital stay.

I knew that something in the Hallel was calling me.
I knew that while I was in the hospital I would discuss Psalm 120 with the people, the reverends, the priests and the rabbis who would come to do the bikkur cholim. Not in droves, but often enough.

But in the cab. In my own personal limbo, it was that mixture of the sentiment of the Jesus Prayer and Prayer 115 that I used.

God, hasn’t everyone around me suffered enough?

And besides, think of how bad You would look if someone as talented and pretty as me was allowed to slip away?

Only I didn’t say it like that. I was not writing on the computer at the time.

And I have not prayed that much since

(c) Bruce G. Grossberg. All rights reserved

******

Heart In My Hand

Pieces of vegetation
Broke off my heart valve

As if my heart was a fence between me and the world

As if my heart valve was the gate by which I let people in

As if the gage opened so rarely that vegetation

Like so many heavy wet leaves

Had settled on the valves

As if the force of seeing you

Seeing you every time as if I had never seen you before

As if I had never experienced seeing you in your straw hat and your summer dress

Walking into coffee shop on that busy busy Continental Avenue on that Friday that August

Instantly turning the whole storefront into a sunny April afternoon in the cherry blossoms.

As if my heart was not already open after all this time with you.
Still

There had to be

More

The times we are engaged in requires

More

Open

More

Open

As if the force of that extra open sesame against that last set of

Heaviest

Soggiest

Mustiest

Leaves and mushrooms caused everything surrounding the valve to

EXPLODE

Vegetation to go into my blood stream
Vegetation to lodge in my brain
Vegetation to cloud my vision
Vegetation to corrode my valves

Can they stabilize the deterioration of my valve so that it does not splinter into my brain like the vegetation?

Could I survive that?

Can they get me to have the operation Now?

In my semi-blind state
Can’t I see
What might happen to me
If I don’t act Now?

But then,
In the hospital ward
In the semi-public hospital room
Lying next to the coughing stage manager.
Sunday morning.
Early February.
Skeletal staff.
Those who draw the short straw.

I feel a bump in my hand.

This, I say, is not vegetation
This, I say, is an actual piece of
My heart coming into my hand.

My heart in my hand
So that you come to see me

I can touch you with a piece of my heart.

(c) Bruce G. Grossberg. All rights reserved.

COW VALVE BLUES

I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
MY HEART JUST AIN’T THE SAME
I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
I’M BACK IN THE GAME
I’M A BIONIC SUPERHERO
I’M TAKING DOWN NAMES

I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
I CRAVE GRASS MORE AND MORE
I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
IS THERE A FARM WHERE I CAN SCORE?
MY BODY’S PRIME
BUT IT’S NOW HUNGRY
LIKE ITS NEVER BEEN BEFORE

I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
I’M ADJUSTING TO THE CHANGE
I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
LEGAL DRUGS ALL THROUGH MY VEINS
I GOT MORE VICODEN THAN RITE AID
AND EVERYBODY KNOWS MY NAME

THE LORD HAS PUNISHED ME SO
BUT HE DID NOT LEAVE ME TO DIE
THE LORD HAS PUNISHED ME SO
BUT HE DID NOT LEAVE ME TO DIE
THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD’S MADE
REJOICE
BE GLAD
DON’T CRY

I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
AND A SCAR TO MARK THE SPOT
I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
MY LIFE KEEPS MOO-VING IN AND OUT
I’M A BIONIC SUPERHERO
D’YA WANNA KNOW WHAT THAT’S ABOUT?

I HAD AN ACHIN IN MY CHEST
THOUGHT IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU
I HAD AN ACHIN IN MY CHEST
CAUSE OF THE PETTY THINGS WE DO
ME AND YOU
WHEN DOC SAID
“THE HEART IS BROKEN”
YOU CAME AROUND TO SEE ME THROUGH

I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
MY HEART JUST AIN’T THE SAME
I GOT A COW VALVE IN MY CHEST
MY HEART JUST AIN’T THE SAME
I’M A BIONIC SUPERHERO
I’M BACK IN THE GAME

(c) Bruce G. Grossberg. All rights reserved.


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